


You Can't Run Away From the Past

by Barb_E_Dahl



Category: FBI (TV 2018)
Genre: Heavy Angst, PTSD, Post 1x07, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 13:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17122175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barb_E_Dahl/pseuds/Barb_E_Dahl
Summary: OA starts having flashbacks after trying to connect with a suspect and the rest of the team tries to help him.





	You Can't Run Away From the Past

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place after episode 7 – when OA reveals what happened to him in Iraq. I got this idea after watching the promo for 1x10 but obviously because I’m slow I didn’t finish this before the episode aired. Since we generally don’t get to see that much of what OA is thinking I decided to have some fun messing around with his POV. I don’t know much about PTSD or being a soldier so if I get something wrong please let me know and I apologize in advance!

Maggie’s POV

Maggie was worried about OA. She understood it was natural for him to not want to talk about his experiences undercover and in a warzone but to outright lie to his partner? That was a different thing altogether. She’d noticed little things about him, before this case, that she was sure were an after effect of being a soldier, like scanning a room every time he entered and never having his back turned to anyone. She decided she would keep an eye on him to make sure opening up wasn’t going to bring back too many bad memories. 

OA’s POV

Stupid. I should have known better than to say anything about Iraq. And I should have realized that Maggie wouldn’t give it up either. Now I have to deal with this stupid paranoia that someone is going to come around the corner and start shooting and ignore the worried looks Maggie keeps shooting my way. 

I try to keep the conversation directed on the case at hand and thankfully, Jubal sends us out to track down a witness, so Maggie doesn’t have time to confront me. What’s not so good is now we are outside, completely exposed to an attack from all sides. I try to remind myself that I’m not in a warzone anymore, but my instinct is telling me I need to hurry up and get in the SUV before our position is revealed. I give the rooftops a scan before quickly getting into the driver’s seat. I check the side mirror and see Maggie calmly walking over giving me another weird look. I let out a breath. Great real subtle OA. Just smile at her when she gets in and maybe she will forget. 

“OA, I think we need to talk about this.” 

Okay, so smiling didn’t work. Play it cool, “I haven’t the faintest idea to what you are referring to Maggie.” And I turn on the truck and start driving, effectively ending a conversation that I really didn’t want to have.  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
The drive back from a rather unhelpful questioning of a witness, is silent. I think Maggie is still pissed at me from earlier. But I can handle pissed and I can handle a few flashbacks. What I can’t deal with is my partner not trusting me. If I can get through today, then I’ll be able to pull myself together for tomorrow and we can forget this ever happened. 

We get out of the car and I can feel my adrenaline start to pump like it used to whenever we left the camp in Iraq. Only now, the mission was to get from the SUV to the safety of the FBI headquarters. I shake my head and try to act as normal as possible, ignoring the fact that my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest. The one good thing is that Maggie seems to be content to carry on being mad at me so when a car back fires and I drop into a crouch, and I’m desperately searching around me to locate the threat, she doesn’t seem to notice as she is already half way into the building. When I realize where I am, I stand up feeling ridiculous and rush into the building telling Maggie I’m going to the bathroom. 

When I get there, I splash water on my face and stare at myself in the smudged mirror, breathing deeply. Am I really so unstable that talking about the war for five minutes with another vet is causing all these problems to come back? I rub my eyes, and sigh. Maybe, it’s from fatigue and once I get a good night’s rest, I’ll be back to being the OA that is an FBI agent that saves lives, instead of OA the undercover solider who kills. 

Maggie’s POV

The first thing I do when OA and I get back to headquarters is march into the director’s office. 

“I think OA is suffering from a relapse of PTSD.”

Dana raises her eyebrows at me, “I take it something happened?”

“He’s been skittish since the interrogation with Jason Milgrim and he thinks I didn’t notice but he nearly jumped out of his skin when a car backfired just now and for a second I thought I was going to have to resort to some… other measures to bring him back to the present.”

The director sighs, “I was worried this would happen.”

I stare at her, “you knew there was a chance this would happen, and you let him try to connect with Jason by sharing his story!”

“I had no way of knowing that was what he was going to do,” Dana responds.

I raise my eyebrows. As if. She knows everything that is going to happen before the person doing it probably even does. 

She shrugs her shoulders, “Maggie, it was a risk that everyone involved in OA’s life decided was worth it. When he came back from Iraq, he underwent extensive therapy to try to deal with the PTSD. From what I’ve heard, it didn’t work, and his family thought they might never get the real OA back. The head of Veteran’s Affairs came to the previous director asking if she would take him onto the team. Nothing too intense, just something to give him purpose and it worked. He’s been making huge strides towards a full recovery, but there was always the chance that he would be set back.”

I rocked back on my heels, thinking for a moment. I knew what OA had gone through must have been awful and there were times, that I had seen him close his eyes trying to collect himself. But, I had never imagined that he was in this much pain.

“So, now what do we do?” I ask. I already know that OA is going to want to stay on the case no matter if it is detrimental to his health but, I’m wondering if Dana is going to agree with that as the right thing to do or if she is going to force him to take time of to get his head together.  
“Show him that you are there for him and keep an eye on him. I don’t want to force him off the case yet, but I’m going to get in touch with his therapist so see if he can come in and talk to OA cause I’m sure there will be no way of convincing him to go his office short of threatening to fire him and I’m not interesting in jeopardizing his trust like that.” 

OA’s POV

After spending probably too long in the bathroom, I make my way back to my desk. When I get there, Maggie turns and narrows her eyes at me, seemingly taking me in. I make a conscious effort not to stand up straighter under her gaze. Moments later, I apparently get her seal of her approval because she nods almost imperceptibly. 

“The director wants to see you in her office.” 

I look at her questioningly pretending I don’t what its about, when in reality, my heart is going a million miles a minute. All I get in return from Maggie is a noncommittal shrug of her shoulders. 

I knock on the door to Dana’s office and I hear her call a come in. When I enter I can’t help but stand in parade rest and I know it isn’t lost on her. 

“How are you doing OA? I know this case must hit home a little bit for you.” 

“I’m fine ma’am.”

“Well, in case there are some memories that are being brought back, which if there weren’t given what you went through over there I would be shocked, there is therapist coming over from Veteran’s Affairs today to talk to some of our guys to give them some more inside knowledge on soldiers dealing with PTSD. After our last case, I decided it would be best if we were all a little bit more educated what those brave men and women have gone through over there.”

“I think that’s an excellent idea ma’am.” I reply, even though I can’t help thinking that if I had been able to help Jason then we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.

“I believe you know him actually. His name is Liam Cahill.” Dana says, while staring at me, waiting to see my reaction.

“I do know him,” I respond, not wanting to really get into the matter with the person that can take me off duty in a second if she deems me unfit.

She sighs, obviously not receiving the response she was hoping for. “OA, I’ve seen your file. I know that you saw Dr. Cahill everyday for a year after you came back, and I know that you’re down to once every couple weeks but, I’ve already spoken with him and he thinks it would be a good idea to have a session together. Besides, he told me he has missed seeing you and wanted to catch up with you while he was here anyway.”

I close my eyes for a second before agreeing to talk with him. It’s not as though I don’t like Cahill, he’s been an important part of my reintegration back into society but, I would like to be able to solve things on my own every once in a while instead of running for help every time I see someone getting their head blown off who isn’t actually there.


End file.
